I've been feeling for a while now to start a blog, but it all felt a little too....vulnerable for me. Putting myself out there? Allowing others to judge me? Being an open book? None of that sounded appealing to me whatsoever. But! Here I am. Putting myself out there because I know God is good. Allowing others to judge me because I know there is the one who needs this. Being an open book because I know that it is something that I needed SO desperately when I was struggling with these issues. So I guess we'll start off with what exactly did I struggle with? What is it that everyday I continue to fight because I know there is something more, a better, more fulfilled life to live!
My whole life I have been a worrier. I remember watching a TV show when I was maybe six years old about gang violence and worrying that I may be one to get involved in a gang. I remember watching Criminal Minds and thinking "Oh no, what if that happened to me, or worse off, what if I did that awful crime to somebody else." These are just a couple examples of the worries that I would have. I was always the "worry wort" of the family. Sometimes it was an awesome trait to have. And other times, when these thoughts would consume me, it wasn't so much of an awesome trait.
So what do worries from when I was six, or even worries I had in High School have to do with this blog? My thoughts exactly! I had believed that I was just a worrier, and thats the way it was going to be, it's just who I am... What a terrible way to live!
After my second daughter, Capri, postpartum life was great. I had the normal baby blues, but then life was good. But... then something happened. I had headaches. Constant headaches. I did the worse thing that we all know we shouldn't do. I googled it. I had self diagnosed myself with a Brain Tumor. This sent me into a spiral of worry. I knew I would be okay and it was most likely something else. But my brain was convinced that I was going to die. I was convinced I wouldn't be there for my kids to grow up, and my Husband and my girls would forget all about me. (See how quickly that escalated). Turns out... it was just a sinus infection. After being in this spiral, or this hole as I like to call it, for so long, my brain learned to THRIVE on this "dopamine hit" of worry. It was satisfying for my brain to have something to constantly be worrying about. The same as brains thrive off of the "hit" or the "spike" that one would get after cocaine or viewing pornography, my brain LOVED that spike. So now, instead of worrying about a tumor that wasn't there, I needed something else to worry about. This time, it sent me into MONTHS in this dark hole, where I literally thought there was no way out. I thought I was doomed and that it was "just the way I am". (First biggest lie out there). I'm just going to throw this out there. There is no such thing as "Just the way you are". Do you know how much Divine Potential you have? I love believing this statement. I love telling myself this. You are not "convincing yourself" of anything. (Another problem I had, for another blog. :))
So to satisfy this craving my brain had, I started worrying about something else. Something SO near and dear to me... my children. But instead of worrying of who they would be when they grew up, or worrying about how they were sleeping, I worried about something that ate me alive. It sent me into a hole that I tried so desperately to climb out of, but got no where. You see, in my college Psychology class I was shown a video of a mother who drowned her children. This horrified me. So during this stage of postpartum, I was terrified that I may do something this terrible to my precious kids. I would put a headband on my daughter and think, "shoot, what if I strangle her", or I would walk past a kitchen knife and worry that I might hurt my children with it. I couldn't bathe them alone, I was even scared to be alone at home with them. So when my husband left to school I would immediately leave to my sisters or go to the zoo. Anything to keep me busy. This bothered me so much because I KNEW I would never ever in a million years hurt my girls. If I knew that, then why would I have these thoughts? Why would I even give them the time of day? That must mean I was a bad person. It must mean that in the back of my mind that's what I truly desired. Right? Well aren't we so glad that is 100% not the truth!
I cried. I begged Heavenly Father to take this trial away. I had faith, and we are taught that if we have faith we can be healed. So I asked for blessings. I spent a lot of time on my knees. I spent lots of time pondering. And I am even a little bit embarrassed to admit that I spent lots of money on programs that I thought would make this all better! I remember crying to my husband frequently, telling him that the Lord wasn't hearing my prayers, that things were never going to change. Asking him if deep down I was really a bad person? I went to a therapist who was fine... but he just was different. So after many prayers, and much pleading I was searching online about postpartum and came across a support group. It was about 40 minutes from where I lived, but I felt that i needed to attend. It was happening that same night but I just wasn't sure if it was the right time for me to go. My husband packed me and the girls up in the car and we headed over to this group. He dropped me off and I sat in the group and balled. Why was I there? I loved my girls SO much, then why was i feeling so guilty for being there? I finally opened up about my thoughts and my issues, and my life was changed! The sweet instructor doesn't know it, but she saved me. She saved me as a mother. She saved me as a wife. I remember so clearly after I got done sobbing through all of my thoughts (which I'm sure through all of the tears she had to piece together) she looked at me and simply said, "Well it sounds to me that you have been experiencing intrusive thoughts with OCD". What? Intrusive what? OCD? Isn't that when someone washes their hands all of the time? She went on to explain that we all have these scary thoughts that are called "intrusive thoughts". She experienced some pretty horrifying ones with her children, but she made it through! THERE WAS HOPE! These thoughts are unwanted. They can appear out of no where, but some people with OCD decide to dwell on them. They obsess over them, try to dissect the meaning. Try to see if that's who they "really are" or what this thought says about them.
I got back in the car with my sweet husband and felt like a million pounds had just been lifted off of my shoulders. I WASN'T CRAZY! It happens. The Lord wasn't leaving me alone. But he couldn't just take these thoughts from me. What kind of lesson would that be? From that time until now I have learned so much. These thoughts were not all of a sudden taken from me. I've learned that the Lord will answer prayers. Just not always in an instant. He hears us. But he also expects us to learn and to Hear Him...