If you've been following along for a while now you know I'm a big believer in being a watcher of your thoughts. This tool has transformed me. It has given me so much freedom! As i've been watching my thoughts i've been able to see how many of my thoughts are just on this track that has been driven on and imprinted so deep that it doesn't know there's another path that it can choose! THERE IS. Man it takes work. But it's changed me. Other times I can notice just how bizarre a thought is and shake it off. No longer obsess over it, I can let these thoughts in one door and out the other. I love being aware.
Our brains are AMAZING. Back in the day, like i'm talking cave man days, our brain had to constantly scan for any sign of danger. It had to be alert to stay alive! Well... it turns out times have evolved. I know I'm personally not running from tigers or anything, but my brain is still constantly scanning for any kind of issue. It wants to keep me safe! It is doing it's job. This is a job that my brain actually does a little too well. My anxiety used to spike over the tiniest things. And now, I can answer back when I feel that rise happening- "soo... what is the problem?" and a good majority of the time my brain can't find a problem.
Our thoughts create our feelings. So if we are feeling threatened our brain is going to alert us. Sometimes-this is an awesome thing! and other times, it just adds to the anxiety. For example, as we all know, I have struggled/sometimes still do struggle with intrusive thoughts. These thoughts FREAK ME OUT. because my brain says-"oh no, you had this thought-does this mean something? what if this comes true?" And my OCD would previously give into this. I admit, sometimes it still does. But most of the time now, I can respond with one of two things that have truly been a life saver. I either say, "okay, and what's the problem with that thought?" Or I try to see what exactly my brain is trying to protect me against. Sometimes it is okay to dig a little deeper and see where the root of that thought is coming from.
The very presence of water used to freak me out. I would have intrusive thoughts like "What if i drown my kids." "What if my kids drown and i don't know how to help them" "What if xyz". SO MANY WHAT IF'S. This would spike my anxiety and spend me through a spiral for hours, if not days! Once I learned they were intrusive thoughts, I was able to see that there was something a little deeper for me. and there was. I had to ask myself what exactly my brain was trying to protect myself against. In college I took a psychology course and in it, they showed a video of a woman who had psychosis who drowned her kids. Talk about traumatizing to me as a college student.
Now I know that having those intrusive thoughts doesn't make me a bad person, but obsessing over them was my brains way of trying to protect me from doing something like that. My brains way of having me solve the problem. But as I've pondered and done some therapy and searching, there is no problem to solve. It is not something that I have even the slightest desire to do. It terrifies me and because it does my brain sees that as a problem. But there is something even greater. Our agency. I totally get that some people truly do have those mental illnesses, and those who need clinical help. Before studying and giving so much time into this work, I thought I was going crazy. I honestly felt like I had no control. I felt like my brain was running rampant. It truly was a toddler on the loose with no supervision. I had no idea what my brain was doing, what would be the next thought. But, there is something so beautiful. WE ARE IN CONTROL. These thoughts do not control us. Things do not happen because we jinxed it or because we didn't perform a certain compulsion. But our brain sure wants to protect us and so sometimes we give into that. I am a huge believer in agency. No one else will control you. No one else can control you. And when we watch our thoughts and see them for what they are, and see how strong we are as children of God, it allows me personally an even greater capacity to Hear Him.
My sister and I have started a new page on instagram @intentionallypostpartum, posting tips and tools to help you through your postpartum recovery! We would also love to coach anyone who needs a little extra help with this process. It is so so worth it. You are so so worth it!