I can't remember wanting to ever be anything other than a mom. Maybe that's why I changed my major five different times in college. Nothing ever sat right. So some days when things aren't perfect, or rainbows and unicorns as they say, I wonder why. If it's all that i've ever wanted, all that I have felt meant to do, then why is it so hard? But let's face it. Existing is hard. Being a mom is hard. Listening to a childs song on repeat, dealing with the melt downs, being told "you were really mean to me today", repeating yourself over and over, answering all of the why's, It's hard. and then... then add anxiety, intrusive thoughts + OCD to the mix, and some days it's the perfect combination for complete overwhelm, anxiety attacks, or just sheer exhaustion.
Some days are easier than others. I am so blessed to begin to see the other side of this. "This" is what I refer to as the muggy, confusing, cloudy feeling that sometimes just lingers and honestly, some days I don't know why it is there. But I see that on the other side of this, things get better.
I used to be so scared, literally terrified to sit alone with my own thoughts. If such thoughts were coming from me, what does that tell me about who I am? And then, i'd OBSESS about them. Obsess and then judge myself. These two things led me to this terrible spiral. And in this spiral it would, and sometimes still does lead me to one of two thoughts. My first is What if I would convince myself that these things were true, which scared me even more. The second is what if I was meant to be this terrible person, what if these intrusive thoughts were just who I was meant to be.
As i've written before I have tried to become better at being a "watcher" of my thoughts. I try really hard to not read into them, and I have become pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. It's truly FASCINATING to watch our brains at work. And you know what i've come to realize, most of these "scary" thoughts I have are "fear based thoughts". My brain sees something good and then wants that hit of dopamine, so what does it do? It goes for something that KNOWS will give it that little hit, that spike, to satisfy it's craving. It's so used to it. It truly does crave it-After all, it knows what it feels like to constantly be having that spike after 27 years of worrying.
So as I step back and watch- I simply notice. When I have worrying thoughts I realize and try to replace these thoughts with, "wow! My brain sure is trying to protect me right now." Or "What a fear based thought! Isn't it amazing that we still have agency?"
Going through my own mental health journey I have been able to see that we are such powerful beings. Our minds are AMAZING. We are capable of so much, yet sometimes we allow ourselves to be held back, by OURSELVES.
Although this journey has been HARD, I feel that i've gained such a greater perspective. I feel so strongly in the power of agency. When intrusive thoughts come I can now say "weird thought. It might happen, but what are you going to choose?" Resisting the thought doesn't help, but identifying the thought as intrusive, fear based, my brain wanting drama, etc. and knowing that I have my agency and that literally any of these thoughts could happen-but what am I going to do about it, has been a literal game changer.
When it comes down to it-after watching my thoughts, it is easier to see that life can be simple. I honestly think it was meant to be simple. But simple? Who loves a simple movie without any drama? Who loves a story without a plot twist? Certainly NOT our brains- and so it tries to make things out of literally a SIMPLE thought. How muddy do we make our thoughts because we love drama and want something more! If the thought is good, uplifting, peaceful, aligns with the commandments, it's from the Lord. If it is scary, invites unwanted feelings, then sit with it for a minute- even identify what it is- and then let it go- No need to obsess!
Now back to my original topic. Having kids & being a mom. As I share my experience with others, I am able to see just how everyone has their own struggles. For me, my three pregnancies have been a breeze. It's the postpartum monster that is real for me. So I'll be the first to admit that I'm TERRIFIED to have any more children. I was terrified to have any after my second child. But I know that God is GOOD. I know that I am improving daily. I know that I am strong. I know that because of this trial I am learning more about myself and our brains and how they operate. Let's be real. If it wasn't for this trial I wouldn't have the least bit of interest in studying this topic. But it has allowed me to see my thoughts for what they are, to KNOW we have agency, to reach out for help not only to others but to the Lord, and ultimately it has taught me how crucial it is to sit in silence, and Hear Him.