Our brains are AMAZING. They do so much for us, yet sometimes we like to play victim of our brain. We think that we have no control, that it must just be the way we are, poor us, there must be nothing we can do about it. How hard to live thinking we are the victim. It's true, some thoughts we cannot control. I've learned it's not the thought we control, but what we do with the thought that matters. Our brains fire off so many thoughts that we then in turn choose which thoughts to believe, which thoughts to dwell on, and which thoughts to just let.go.
Letting go has obviously been the hardest part for me. This is the obsession part of my OCD. I remember after my second daughter Capri was born, my brain was firing so quickly. I remember telling my husband I wish that I could get something hooked up to my brain just so he could see how fast my thoughts were going. It was constant. I would ask Brentyn, my husband, what he was thinking about and he would say something simple like "oh how pretty the sky is." and I would think, "Seriously? I can't even tell you which thought just crossed my mind because there are too many things I am worrying about!" I remember waking up in the middle of the night to feed my daughter, and it's like my worrying loop never stopped. I remember thinking how hard my life was, and how things would never be the same. Thinking that there HAD to be something wrong with me, thinking I was the victim!
When you're in the market for a new car, say a new suburban, do you realize how every other car seems to be a suburban? It's not because all of a sudden every other person is driving a suburban, it is because your brain is looking, comparing, analyzing, finding that perfect suburban for you. This is the same way with our thoughts. For me, when I am obsessing over a certain thought or worrying over a specific situation, it is literally all I look for. My brain searches for evidence that the thought that is bothering me must be true. With my intrusive thoughts after I had first started having them, anything and everything was "evidence" that my thoughts of harming my children must be true. But is that because they were true thoughts, or because that is what I was looking for? My brain was grasping at any evidence it could find, to try and convince me that these thoughts were true.
So how did I come to the conclusion that these thoughts were false? Well first, and I think the thing that matters the most is knowing who I was. Knowing my purpose on earth, knowing my purpose as a Daughter of God, as a mother to these sweet babies, and as a wife to my husband. It came from within. It came from my heart. It came from after thinking these thoughts, my body giving a negative reaction. It came from Prayer. LOTS.OF.PRAYER.
And secondly, it came from research. A lot of research. I dug deep into finding out exactly what these were. With this research I found comfort in the knowledge that I received. Comfort knowing that intrusive thoughts are actually the opposite of who you are. Comfort in knowing that these thoughts are your minds way of trying to prevent any tragedy from happening. Comfort in knowing that it was a type of OCD, and I could be okay with that! Comfort in knowing that I could change. Comfort knowing that with our Heavenly Father, anything is possible.
Changing this thought loop is not easy. I've found that our brains are amazing, but it also loves familiarity. It loves going directly to what it knows. Why change the path that it has already found? Why change when it get's that dopamine hit from a certain thought loop? CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS BECAUSE IT IS WORTH.IT. Just because those thoughts are the easiest, doesn't mean it is what is best for us. Follow up that thought. Challenge it. What do you know about yourself, your beliefs, yourself that makes those thoughts false. What is a thought you can train your brain to think in it's place? The scripture comes to mind, "Seek, and ye shall find". How much does this relate to our thoughts! If we seek for good thoughts, we will find them! They will come. The Lord's promises are real. I learned it takes WORK on our part, but it will happen!
As hard as those months, even years after this first started has been, I am grateful for it. I am grateful for the trial. Being grateful for a trial? Really? In the moment, no. absolutely not. I begged. I pleaded. I wanted it taken away. I was upset that it was happening to me. But looking back I am so grateful for the confidence that it has given me. Confidence in who I am. Confidence in the power of the atonement and the ability to change. And most of all, confidence in my thoughts. Knowing right from wrong. Knowing my intents verses passing thoughts. Passing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, negative thoughts, whatever you want to call them, we ALL have them. Confidence in knowing that I am not alone. There are others suffering through the same thing. Confidence in my Savior. Best of all has been my confidence in Hearing Him.