Looking back now, I have had OCD my whole life. I would see people who had to take a certain way home or do a hand washing ritual and be so confused how someone could let these actions take over their life. Little did I know that they were compulsions. A compulsion is an "irresistible urge to behave a certain way". I remember performing certain compulsions to try and reverse a thought I would have. I may have had a scary thought like getting in a car accident on the way home from school or never getting a boyfriend, and then if I was working out during that thought I would think "Okay, finish this rep in under twenty second and that thought doesn't count.." See what I mean? Compulsion. I wanted to make these thoughts not happen. I didn't understand that these were JUST THOUGHTS. Our brain is constantly trying to protect us, so it will offer us thought after thought. We get to choose which one to hold onto.
After Capri and Oakley I struggled with Harm OCD. I was so scared that I might do something wrong. Now I can see so clearly that those thoughts were only my lower brain offering thoughts, thinking that if I did a compulsion then these thoughts wouldn't come to pass. But here's the truth behind it. YOU KNOW YOURSELF. I'm sure my higher brain is so exhausted at all of the times I have stopped and OBSESSED over thoughts that my lower brain has offered that truly were no help at all, that were not in line with who I am.
Which brings me to another category of OCD that I wanted to talk about today. This is a very personal experience. I don't know why I've felt impressed to talk on it, but I do. I've come to learn that knowledge is POWER. and that power leads me to feel so empowered, which feels SO.GOOD. sooooo.... here it goes...
For a long time i've struggled with what I now know is HOCD, or Homosexual OCD, or Sexual Orientation OCD. This is defined as, "marked by excessive fear of becoming or being homosexual. The subjects often experience intrusive, unwanted mental images of homosexual behavior. The excessive uncontrolled thoughts/doubts are very distressing and lead to compulsions in form of checking." So I read this as I was going through an OCD website and thought. YES. I check all of the boxes. But then thought, "wait a minute? Does that mean I am homophobic?" (Which then sent me into another spiral.) I had never thought that I was homophobic. I had friends in High School that were Homosexual, and didn't mind being around them. As I studied a little more I learned, "it is not exclusive to heterosexuals. Over the years, therapists...have treated many homosexuals (male and female) who are plagued by obsessive fears of being “straight”, and who suffer equally when OCD attacks their sexual identity."
I remember the first time this OCD really happened. I was sitting in a class in High School and a girl who proclaimed herself as lesbian said, "Oh I can make any girl turn Gay." WHAT. My mind spun OUT.OF.CONTROL. What if that were true? What if all of my crushes on boys weren't real feelings? What if I never got married as I had always hoped and dreamed of. Something just didn't sit right with me. It was that Negative emotion offering a response, it was those fears not being in line with who I was. I remember as a teenager seeing other girls who I thought were pretty, and because I simply had that thought I would spiral and obsess about if I was straight and what that thought meant. When simply, I can think other people are pretty! I can be envious of others features! I can have a relationship with a member of the same sex without worrying about anything further. As many people can attest, adolescent years can be all about finding yourself. So I searched, I prayed, I worried, I cried, I was open to figuring this all out. I just wanted to know what the Lord's plan was for ME.
I walked pretty blindly for a while. Now I see I was walking by faith, but back then I thought I was walking alone. Why did I not understand this? I didn't have a crush on any girl, nor desired anything sexually, then why was I SO worried about this? I would feel so defeated and not understand how it was possible to pull through. How could I have a crush on this boy, yet fear that nothing would work because what if I was really the other way? I see now that the Lord was there all along. I gained so.much.strength. Strength to trust. I gained so much knowledge of myself. Knowledge of who I am, and what I truly wanted out of life. Would I have gained either of those if life was just smooth sailing?
Which brings me to my husband... Brentyn. I met Brentyn in the midst of all of this craziness, when i was 17. I met him and my heart just skipped a beat. He was funny, tall, handsome, and a great conversationalist. I had a crush on him hard. But how could I if i was so worried with this HOCD? After getting to know him better, I liked him more and more. We wrote while we both served missions, and I KNEW that he was a spouse I wanted. He was just so easy to get along with, respected me, and it just felt right.
I like to call these my spirals. I remember one time I was in one of these spirals and I was feeling so confused for the thoughts and worries that I had as a teenager. Then I had a sweet prompting from the spirit. "You didn't know what you truly wanted until you met Brentyn." Yes, I had liked other boys, but they just didn't have everything I was looking for. I had worry-some thoughts, but was that what I wanted? No. Things just feel right with him. It's a love i've never experienced before. A love and marriage i've always dreamed of having.
It's been so interesting, whenever I get on these OCD cycles (specifically after having children), It is one thing after another. So if I'm not worrying about my children, then I'm worrying about my husband in a car accident, if i'm not worrying about my husband, then i'm worried about coronavirus, if i'm not worried about coronavirus then the HOCD cycle starts up and ALLLLLLLL of the what if's start happening again.
But what if I just allow my thoughts to be. What if I see a girl, see her features, acknowledge it, but see the thought for what it is. What if I don't worry about my husband getting in an accident. What if I just know he will be okay. What if I know my daughters have so much to learn, so much experience to gain, so much life to live. What if I realize that I know myself, and acknowledge that. What if I know that Heavenly Father knows me. What if I realize I am a creator and the Lord is watching over me. What if I realize this has all been for my good. It has allowed me to love, to see others and their different struggles, to know no one is perfect, to gain strength beyond my own. Although I still am trekking through this journey, my struggles, thoughts, compulsions, OCD, is all a price I would pay over and over again to have the strength, faith, and confidence that I have now, the confidence to Hear Him. .