This topic has been heavy on my heart and mind for a while. It is so personal, so real and so raw to me. And really, I'm not quite sure how to put it. For so long I had been confused, struggling, trying to convince myself that something must be wrong with me. Trying to convince myself that because I get uncomfortable around people who identify as LGBTQ that I myself must be one. Trying to convince myself that because I saw a girl who I thought was beautiful that I must have feelings for her. Trying to convince myself that when I see a girl who looks tough or athletic then... yup. you guessed it, then I must be into that. Funny how that works isn't it? Not trying to convince myself out of being a lesbian, but trying to convince myself that these thoughts must equal up to something. This is where my HOCD as described from a previous post, (OCD...More than just handwashing) kicks in.
All of these thoughts, worry, and confusion-never taking into account the pain i've experienced. Never taking into account the normality of thinking others of the same gender are pretty. Never taking into account the love, romance, and pure attraction I have with my husband. Never taking into account that HOCD is a real thing, intrusive thoughts are real, OCD is real. But you know what is also real? Agency. The power of choice. The power of knowledge, the power of revelation, and the power of love.
I've come to the realization that our minds offer us HUNDREDS of emotions. HUNDREDS. But so often I clump emotions all in one. I assume that I just must be anxious. Yes I am an anxious person, but what's beneath that emotion? Intimidation? Jealousy? Envy? Nervous? Violated? What if your initial "emotion" was wrong? What if you sat and let your anxiety NOT rev up? Then what emotion would be felt? I've noticed that my initial thought isn't what I thought it was. I do a lot of assuming in the initial thought department. But what about letting your higher brain do some work? What about finding YOU and not worrying about what others think. What about having a closer relationship with Heavenly Father and not letting others actions reflect who you are.
Now I know I'm about three years too late on the #metoo movement. But I never knew the emotional damage that this event had on me until it was pointed out. I never knew the pain, the tears, the uncomfortableness, the realness of it all until just recently. TEN YEARS LATER. In High School I was assaulted on multiple occasions. In the moment I didn't know that's what was happening. I thought it was just high schoolers being immature teenagers. I didn't know the damage it would have on me for years to come. I had confidence in myself. I knew that I was pretty. Yet I was being objectified. Constantly. I was such a happy go lucky girl that I would just try to either avoid the topic or laugh it off like it was no big deal. As a girl with a bigger chest I would constantly hear comments about it. ESPECIALLY from girls, girls who identified as Bisexual or Lesbian. Not supportive comments. Degrading comments. Comments of how they'd like to grab it. Comments of how big it was. Comments that made me insecure. So insecure that I remember praying daily that my chest would not get any bigger. I remember it being a game for one girl in particular for her to try and grab my chest. I remember having my guard up constantly. I remember not wanting to change in the locker room because I didn't want to hear any comments about it, and I didn't want to have that risk of being exposed.
Little did I know having this guard up would rev up my HOCD to a whole different level. Little did I know that you could be assaulted by those of the same gender. I can't think of a time when I have been sexually attracted to another girl. But I can think of plenty of time that has been spent and anguish that I have had thinking "Oh no, what if I'm attracted to that?" It isn't until recently that I've come to realize that I need to take a step back and understand 1. It is my HOCD and 2. it is my lower brain trying to protect me from something that has hurt me in the past. For a very long time whenever I would see someone who was LGBTQ I would put my guard up. I would get very anxious. But you know what other emotions I was feeling? Scared, violated, objectified. Even though they had personally never done anything to me, I was scared and my guard was up. With this guard being up I would be so worried or confused that it was attraction. After therapy, life coaching, and lots of conversations with my sweet husband, I've realized it wasn't attraction. Attraction isn't having your guard up. Attraction isn't being worried. Attraction isn't a fight or flight response.
I've come to understand how vital agency is. I've come to understand peace verses confusion. I've come to understand that those worries were ALWAYS my lower brain not wanting me to get hurt, again. My lower brain not wanting me to forget what I've always wanted-what my spirit and soul have always wanted. A husband and children, a happy, loving, sanctified relationship. I have come to understand that the Lord answers things in his own timing. I feel as if I had walked in such darkness for a long time, holding onto a strand of faith, not knowing the answers. Until ten years later. When the time was right to now understand this trial, these struggles, and myself more than ever. As hard and painful as it has been, I've come to understand how to Hear Him.