Yesterday morning as I was saying my morning prayers I caught myself thanking Heavenly Father for the trial of Intrusive Thoughts. WHAT? Grateful for all of those panic attacks? Grateful for the countless hours I spent crying? Grateful for the begging and pleading to have these thoughts taken away? Grateful that for so long I thought something might actually be mentally wrong with me? GRATEFUL???
As I took a step back I was able to see all of the good that has come from these challenges.
I served a mission for my Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints when I was just 19 years old. I remember my mission president and his wife (the couple who oversees all of the missionaries in a certain region) would encourage us to pray for hard things. That terrified me. Wasn't what I was doing hard enough? Why would I pray for hard things when I was so content with the way life was going? I see it now. Hard things help us to grow. Hard things help us to see our potential. Hard things help us to gain confidence.
Growing up I always thought I was confident. I didn't have a problem being in front of people, or in joining different clubs at school, or in taking a leadership position. Now, as I'm older I can see that confidence is so much more than being certain in your appearance or in having good self esteem. To me, knowing what I know now, confidence is having faith in yourself and in God. Having an understanding of yourself. Confidence is not judging yourself for any thought that crosses through your mind. Confidence is knowing that you may not have control of the thoughts that appear, but you sure have control in what you do with those thoughts. Confidence is knowing what I want in my life, and understanding my desires. Confidence is knowing that thoughts will come, but they do not define who I am.
During these hard times with my thoughts I begged, pleaded, cried, was angry, had my faith tested, you name it. I struggled. A lot. I felt so much like Heavenly Father was not being fair. If I lived my whole life being good, obedient, preparing to be a mother, doing what I should, then why was I being punished? Why was he not answering me? I remember so many days feeling empty, questioning if He was even there, because surely he was not hearing my prayers. But, my attitude slowly changed. I was not being punished. In a way it was a blessing. A blessing most definitely in disguise. Through this all I was learning. Learning about myself, learning about the human brain, learning about mastering this brain, and most importantly, learning about love.
I LOVE my kids. And I think that is why I struggled so much with the trial of intrusive thoughts. If I loved my kids so much then what kind of TERRIBLE mother would have these thoughts? And then the guilt would just overwhelm me. The other day I had an enormous since of gratitude for these trials. Without the bad, how would I truly know the good? Now I'm not suggesting everyone go have terrible scary intrusive thoughts about your kids... because I know no one wants to go through that. But I am saying that FOR ME I was able to feel an immense love like never before. Almost like my brain made up this huge, scary, far fetch story so that I would understand light vs. darkness, good vs. evil, my true desires vs. my average human thoughts. I understand what love is, and that for me, loving my kids and loving my husband feels better than any other story my brain can tell me to get that dopamine hit.
It's coming up on two years since the beginning of all this. TWO.YEARS. I remember looking on the calendar and just telling myself to just make it past a certain day. "Just make it past Brentyn's clinical days, just make it past graduation. Just make it past." I'm not suggesting by any means that everything is perfect now. The thoughts still come, but I am able to see them for what they are, see how they make me feel, and then (for the most part) dismiss them.
I'm grateful for this trial because it has taught me to rely on the Lord more than ever before. I can't count the number of times I felt alone, but you know what? I can't even begin to count the number of times that I felt love. How many times that I felt the calming assurance that it was going to be okay. That through this I would discover who I am and how strong we are as children of God. I can't tell you the number of headaches and gray hairs I gave my husband, but I can tell you how much our love for each other has grown. There's something about seeing each other through hard times, and relying on our love and the Lord. I'm grateful because although I felt that He wasn't listening, I can look back now and see that He was. Through it all I've gained a better, sweeter, more tender understanding of how I can Hear Him.