This week I read a quote on instagram that I have not been able to stop thinking about. It was posted by @loverlees who was quoting Emily McDowell. "'Finding yourself' is not really how it works. You aren't a 10 dollar bill in last winters coat pocket. You are not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other peoples opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. 'Finding yourself' is actually about returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering of who you were before the world got its hands on you."
Chills. I couldn't have said it better myself. The world is NOISY. It is so noisy. We are constantly being hammered on how we should look, what we should think, if we are being politically correct. We are too often trying to keep up with the next persons instagram highlight reel.
This quote was (and sometimes is) still me 18 months ago. I was terrified on "finding myself". The "what ifs" came rolling in. What if i'm not being who I really am? What if these thoughts are who I truly am. What if i've been lying to myself my whole life about who I am. (I don't know if you guys have caught this yet, but I am a huge what if-er, hence ALLLLL of the intrusive thoughts.) This quote hit home. But what if I am exactly who I am meant to be. What if I have slowly learned and uncovered and have become so strong- the way I am supposed to be. What if these experiences are for my good.
After I had my second daughter Capri, I was terrified to be alone. I remember being willing to spend any money and try any thing to make all of this go away. I heard of anxiety being taken away by supplements, and I wanted to try. I heard of exercising being the cure, so I wanted to try. I heard that self love was the answer, so of course, I wanted to try. And all of this wanting to try was on a no income while we were putting my husband through nursing school. Talk about a stressful time. I came across an instagram page of a lady who had previously done hypnotherapy and claimed it was the next best thing. She had put out a program on meditating and.... yup... I tried it. I remember telling my husband about it and I can definitely tell you he did not think it was the next best thing. Brentyn is my biggest supporter and he will do anything if I am going to give it my all. So I bought the course. For a big chunk of change on our zero income. Looking back, the course wasn't 100% a cure all. But you guys there was a bit that was. Meditation. MEDITATION WAS A LIFE CHANGER. I had always thought that meditation was something that monks did. And quite honestly, I was TERRIFIED to be alone with myself. I was so scared of what thoughts would appear when sitting silent. I had a problem. My mind was racing so fast and I was scared of what would be when I slowed it down. I had no idea what it meant to be a watcher of my thoughts. I assumed that thoughts were who we really were.
My first time meditating I asked my husband to do it with me, well, because I was scared to do it on my own. I think we made it through 45 seconds before he took a selfie with me while my eyes were closed and then started busting up laughing. Needless to say, that was the last time we did a meditation together. As I slowly progressed in my meditation routine, I was amazed at how much slowing down my mind helped. For me, I believe that our Heavenly Father still communicates with each of us individually through something called personal revelation. During this time of meditation, of quietness I was able to return to myself. To understand and see those thoughts for what they were. The answers were right in front of me, within me, just waiting to be noticed. It's like Heavenly Father himself was waiting for me to have that quiet time to allow me to remember and to undo those fears. No, I never wanted to hurt my kids. No, I never wanted to leave my husband, No, I am not crazy. All of those thoughts? They are all chatter in my brain wanting to distract me from what matters most. My family, my husband, my children. I have received some pretty special and very personal moments in my time of meditation, and for those I am forever grateful.
I was thinking just this morning about how hard this journey has been. I was remembering how I would plead that these thoughts and worries would just be taken away because after all, isn't that how faith is supposed to work? and then it dawned on me. There is opposition in ALL things. Without these thoughts that terrify me, I would never have relied on the Savior. I would have never put my faith and trust in him. I would have never seen the good and the bad. I wouldn't know the difference between "intrusive thoughts" and thoughts that come from the spirit. Without this trial, I truly would not know how to Hear Him!