I read a quote once that stated, "When you think a thought that is not in vibrational alignment with your overall intent, your Inner Being will offer you a negative emotion." Read that again, "....your Inner Being will offer you a negative emotion." For so long I had believed that I chose my thoughts. My thoughts were just apart of who I was. So when I would have these intrusive, negative thoughts, they would DESTROY me. I would think, "what kind of person has these thoughts!" Little did I know that the icky feeling in my throat, in my stomach, the feeling that made me shake, wasn't just a "bad version" of myself. It was my INNER BEING. It was my spirit. It was that light of Christ telling me that is not who I was! When anxiety takes over, we don't realize that it is what we do with the thoughts that matter. I had assumed that a negative thought was my fault, it was "just who I was".
We all have intrusive thoughts. One may think "What if i drive off the road?", another may think "What if I ran that person over?". Some people, like my husband are able to think "huh that is such a weird thought", and then let it go! Others as myself will OBSESS over these. I will read into the thought, I will try to dissect it like it is some kind of secret message. Did you know there are MULTIPLE types of OCD? As mentioned in my previous blog, it is not only the compulsion part that we so quickly think of, like having to drive a certain way home. There is the obsessive part of it, and then a compulsion to "make sure" it doesn't happen.
To this day I remember my first "Harm OCD" thought. Sure, in the past I had thoughts of "oh I could punch this person", but it never bothered me the way that this one did. I was pregnant with my second daughter, Capri. We were weeks away from having her, her bassinet was all set up in our room, the name was picked out, we were so excited and so prepared to be parents for the second time. Or so I thought we were... I walked into the room one night to grab something, I remember seeing her soon to be bassinet and thinking, "What if I strangle my baby". Okay, now I think that thought and can say, "HOW SILLY! I wouldn't do that!" But during the next few weeks it ate me alive. I struggled to look at the bassinet. I struggled to even use the name we had picked out for her. Delivery was beautiful, and I remember having so much love for her. However, the day when we were waiting to be discharged and they wanted her name, I couldn't bring myself to give her the name we had previously picked. I was TERRIFIED that if I did so, it would mean I would do something bad to my daughter. (This is the compulsion part of the OCD). We gave her a different name, and guess what? It wasn't magic. The thoughts didn't go away. It was a battle I still had to fight. My husband has been so good at reminding me when something is Anxiety. He is able to bring me peace and suggest that I wait until my mind is clear again to think a little more logically. Sure, when that anxiety is high, that is the last thing I want to hear, but it is the best thing for me. Are these thoughts really coming from who I am? Or is it the anxiety talking?
In this world today we are told too often that sometimes it is "just the way we are". And how often do we believe this? A bad thought, a tendency, an addiction. These are things that are labeled as making us who we are. Things that we are told we were born this way. You guys, what a hard way to live! From the sounds of that, I wouldn't have any agency. I would be stuck and just doomed to being a robot who was programmed that way. People can change! Thoughts don't make you a bad person. Choices in the past don't make you a bad person. God is real. He wants us to create something so much better than what we are content with having! Although I was able to finally learn that the thoughts didn't mean anything, it was (and in some instances still is) so hard for my brain to believe it as just a thought. One that I can CHOOSE to believe or one that I can let in one door and out the back.
How beautiful that amidst trials, amidst uncertainty, amidst the challenges of life, we are still able to CHOOSE. Through the different pressures, through what doesn't seem to be the norm, through pleading to God for help, to take this trial away, I've come to learn we choose. We create. We have all of the tools that we need to create whatever life we want. Even better than any person telling you how to live, what you should or shouldn't be experiencing, we have an inner being. I truly believe we have a spirit that is inside of us. This spirit guides us, this spirit knows what we truly urn for. This spirit will help us choose and create a beautiful life. This spirit overall will help us Hear Him.