Recently I've been trying to be a "watcher" of my thoughts. This may sound a little weird, but stick with me. We have over 60,000 thoughts a day! These thoughts make up how we feel- that negative reaction, or a positive reaction. For me, when my anxiety is revved up my mind goes fast. It's one thought after the other, and they just fire off. It's like this cycle that I can't stop. So instead of working myself up even more, I try to take a deep breath and let the thoughts happen. Then, once my mind is slowed down a bit, I am able to identify the thoughts a little better, pick which thoughts I want to keep, and which can just come in the front door and out the back.
Okay, this is the part where you will have to stick with me for a minute. Before I was aware of my anxiety (and even sometimes now) I would assume my thoughts. I know, completely weird. But it was like this big guessing game for me. I would wake up and think "okay, I am feeling a little off or tired, it must be because I am worried about my kids". What? Those dots don't even connect! Or another big one for me is that I am just an anxious person. I hold my anxiety in my throat. My throat gets tight, and I breathe a little quicker. So whenever I have this feeling my brain wants to know why. So I will sometimes pick a random thought that has bothered me in the past and label it. Why can't I just feel tired or anxious without putting a label/thought on it? Why can't we just feel and not assume that something is wrong with us! It is more and more evident recently to see that the world is just crazy. Here's a thought. We just might be anxious because of the world that we are living in. Those subconscious thoughts of the virus, of racial profiling, of mass shootings. There are a million different things to be worried about. I am learning to stop assuming what this anxious feeling is about, and ride out the thought.
Something that I've learned through all of this is sometimes our brains make up stories. Not just fairytale stories (although how nice would that be) they can make up some CRAZY.STORIES. Like crazy horror film stories. And these stories can be wrong. Just because we think a thought, it doesn't mean that it is a correct thought. ACCEPT that these thoughts CAN BE WRONG. They can be completely out of left field, and that is okay! NOTHING is wrong with you. Our brains LOVE.DRAMA. They love problems to solve.
You see, after telling yourself a story for so long, you start to believe it... And this is where the assumption comes in. You can't say "don't think about a purple elephant", and in reality not have a picture of a purple elephant come into your mind. For me with postpartum, assumption came in ALL.OF.THE.TIME. Remember me being SO worried with those intrusive thoughts that I was going to hurt my children? So I would walk by the kitchen and think "oh there's the knife drawer", and guess what my mind would jump to? "Oh there's the knife drawer, does that mean you want to do something with that?" WHAT? NO? Can't I just state a fact? OUR BRAINS LOVE DRAMA. I would plead to the Lord to take these thoughts away. How could I think something so terrible and believe that I wasn't a bad person. I just couldn't understand why these thoughts wouldn't just go away. I was able to finally understand that we are put on this earth to be masters of ourselves. Would it be possible for the Lord to just take these worries and thoughts away? 100%. But where would the learning, the faith, the strength and the confidence come from?
For me, as i've trained myself to obsessively worry, (not on purpose) my brain always, always has to be worrying about something. My poor husband doesn't understand why I just can't relax...haha. I am trying! So when I am done worrying about one thing, my brain is looking for the next best thing to worry about, to protect me, so that in the future, if it does happen, I will be safe. For a while now I have been over the Harm OCD, although it does sometimes come back, but it is SO much easier to just say no, and redirect my brain and know what I want. Now, I am working hard to overcome a different type of OCD. I've been putting it off but have felt so impressed to talk about it, so next week I will be talking about HOCD. It seems that there is always something to worry about! Thank you brain for trying to protect me, but I would much rather live in the present!
When I allow my thoughts to happen and not resist or label them, I am able to live in the present. To see what thoughts I want to let go, and what thoughts will help serve me. When I allow my thoughts to happen and not assume I am able to be more in tune with myself. When I allow my thoughts to happen and think INTENTIONALLY, I am more able to be at peace with myself and Hear Him, and that is the life I want to live!