Worry. Fear. Panic. and then comes the Spiral. The spiral of thoughts that rev up my heartbeat, thoughts moving so fast that I can't even quite grasp one, thoughts that make it feel like I am just not present. For me, this is what an Anxiety Attack feels like. In the middle of these attacks things just don't make sense. The Mayo Clinic describes Anxiety Attacks as, "Sudden episode of intense fear or anxiety and physical symptoms, based on a perceived threat rather than imminent danger". All of this from one thought. One thought of a "perceived threat". Something that may never even happen!
It is during these spirals that nothing makes sense, yet somehow in your mind, these thoughts are the ONLY things that make sense. Strange how that works. As I am going through an anxiety attack I am usually lucky enough to talk it out with my husband. And he can tell me the most rational, true statement, but in that time my brain just wants to dodge it. It immediately spits it back at him and comes up with something like "yes but...".
I often feel like Enos in the Book of Mormon when he is praying. "the words which I had often heard my father speak...sunk deep into my heart". Enos had this "wrestle" within himself, yet the Lord still answered him. Not by anything new, but by words he had already heard. How many times for myself personally do I have this "wrestle" (more often than i'd like to admit!) But then those sweet words from my husband, or a scripture, or a conference talk, they then sink into my soul. It is AFTER that storm that I am then able to make a little better sense of it.
I was thinking just the other day-How do I know which thoughts are from the Lord, and which thoughts are just thoughts? For me this is SO hard to distinguish. Although it is getting easier, it is still so hard to figure out in the moment. During these spirals, attacks, irrational or intrusive thoughts, whatever you want to call them, your brain will look for all of the evidence in the world as to why this is true. I've found it so helpful to first identify it for what it is. Then, thank my brain for wanting to help me, and then try to not to freak out over why I am having this thought. Because we all know the freak out is what makes it worse! When I allow the thought to be there although it is SO uncomfortable, I am able to learn new things about myself. Things that I am so glad that I've been able to learn, things that for so long I have suppressed because I was afraid a negative feeling would come from it. It's a bit tough for me to dig so deep into my personal life, but I feel it is so worth it, and I have come to find I am not alone in A LOT of these thoughts.
Learning all of this is helpful, but guys, it in no sense means that I do not have these attacks or spirals anymore. Just today I took my daughters to the pool. Upon check in we were signing waivers and getting ready to swim, then I noticed the check in person who was very pretty, but a bit of athletic build. Of course my mind went to "I wonder if she's a lesbian"? (If you read my previous post "Me too" you may get a better understanding why). So, I spiraled. I had a little anxiety attack that lasted a good portion of the morning. I honestly can't tell you more than two whole sentences of the DOZENS of thoughts my mind was throwing at me. I can't tell you one rational thought that made ANY sense. All I know was that I spiraled. Was my thought that she was pretty and questioning if she was a lesbian have anything to do with my sexuality? Am I hiding something from myself because I think she's pretty? Have I always been lying to myself? Does this say something about who I am? And for a split moment I was able to sit with the thought and realize-wow, she's pretty, but that means nothing to me. Nothing sexual. Nothing that I am going to change my life that I have worked oh so hard for. I remembered this is how the old Samantha would think. Not the Samantha that knows who she is, that knows what she wants, who is comfortable and okay with acknowledging that people are pretty. When did that become such a thing that automatically labeled you a lesbian? Well in my mind it did. And I am working oh so hard to undo so many years of damage.
So I came home and journaled. (I know, you didn't realize you were getting a day in the mind of Samantha). But journaling soothes me. Journaling helps me realize what was really going on in that brain of mine. I realized that I was curious. Curious about her life, her choices, who she was. Why? Probably because I am nosey and i'm okay with that. But I also realized that my brain was curious in wanting to protect me. So once again, Thank you brain for trying to protect me.
I've come to realize that inspiration, thoughts, knowledge from the Lord, for me at least, come after the storm. They come after much pain and anguish. BUT they also come after doing a lot of work on my part-a lot of studying, conversations with others, and pondering. And then... Then there is peace. Sometimes I feel as if I am saying within my soul, "Master, the tempest is raging!" These attacks feel like the only thing that matters. They are full of confusion, worry, panic. And then... then it's the "peace, be still". and wow. I am so grateful for those three words. Don't let anxiety attacks convince you that they are truth. No. No they are not. If anything, it is because you care SO much about something, you are trying to take care of it. Your spirit knows what it wants. You know you. Sit back. I love this quote by Byron Katie, "Once we deeply question a thought, it looses its power to cause us pain, and eventually it ceases to even arise. I don't let go of my thoughts. I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me."
Realize what emotion you are REALLY feeling. Don't suppress it. Let the storm happen, because in the midst of it all, we have a master who is in charge. In the midst of it all, He is waiting for us to be calm and to Hear Him.